People always ask me, “Jarod, BearPaw Duck Farm makes the BEST SwimmingBird Soup. So, what’s the secret ingredient?” Simple: Swimming. You don’t have to be Michael Phelps to figure that out.

A lot of people want to know about Jarod Kintz. Most of these people just want to know where they can find him so they can get their money back, but there are a few people who really want to know more about him, other than what they can decipher through his writings. Well, here are a few facts about Jarod for all you curious people out there. -Jarod often finds himself in a quandary over the meaning of life. Sometimes, like after he saw a pack of porcupines get run over by a truck, he feels the pointlessness of it all, and wonders how God could let such a thing happen to a new set of tires. -Jarod likes spending his weekends making cardboard houses for homeless people to live in, although he just hates asking to borrow their living rooms when he needs to move some stuff. -Jarod likes to credit all his success to a statement one of his early college professors, Dr. Franzenboebowitz, who said, “Whether you think you can or think you can’t, either way you’re still a retard.” -After reading “The Art of War” by both Machiavelli and Sun Tzu, Jarod was heard saying, “I think both authors are so serious, and they could have greatly benefited from the use of my Binary Anal Defibrillator.” Consequently, he also feels this way about Nietzsche, Tolstoy, Dostoevsky, and Allen Ginsberg (though for much different reasons). -Jarod divides his time evenly between an abacus and one of those clever early 90s calculator watches. -Jarod once wrote a screenplay that ended with the main character crying in the rain screaming, “Curdled Milk!” Jarod figured that that was the ideal way to end a movie, because that way nobody could spoil the ending, since it had already gone bad anyway.